I am patriotic, and, this Fourth of July, I’ll show my patriotism like I always do.

I am patriotic, and, this Fourth of July, I’ll show my patriotism like I always do.

I love to decorate. I love to fly extra flags and string red-white-and-blue lights. I love bunting. One year, there was a post-Fourth sale, so, I bought copious quantities of easy-to-hang made-in-China bunting. I drown the house, fences, and automobiles with bunting. This year I won't. The local ordinances restrict outside displays because they are considered an eyesore and they might offend neighbors. By referendum, we determined that chemicals in bunting are known to cause cancer.

I love patriotic music. I love John Philip Sousa marches. I love Army, Air Force, Navy, and Marine Corps songs and hymns. I love military songs from The Revolution to the Civil War to the Great World War to World War II to Korea to Vietnam to today. I love battle songs from “The Battle of New Orleans” to “The Battle of the Alamo”. I love “The Ballad of the Green Berets”. I love “Le Jour de Plus Long”. I save my crave for the Fourth, place speakers outside, and overdose. This year I won’t. The local ordinances restrict external speakers to prevent noise pollution and the songs might offend neighbors. By referendum, we determined that noise is known to cause cancer.

I love parades. As I aged, I changed from loving parades to not-loving parades to loving parades, again. I love the marching soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines. I love the military equipment, the veterans from so many wars, the marching bands, the young people and the old people, and the patriotic displays and floats. This year I won't attend. The local ordinances banned parades out of respect for Native Americans, undocumented workers, Islamists, non-Americans, and pacifists. The local ordinances banned soldiers, sailors, airmen, marines, veterans, and firearms and military equipment because someone might feel threatened.

I love iced tea. I love instant, brewed, and sun tea. I love the bitterness of cheap instant tea and the smoothness and subtle textures of expensive tea. I have an iced tea maker, several tea kettles and tea pots, and an electric kettle. I love to make flash-chilled iced tea. I love how hot tea poured over ice crackles and pops and releases its aroma. I love how cheap tea clouds in the glass and how expensive tea is transparent in different shades of brown and orange and red. I love to mix flavored tea leaves for iced tea. I love sweet tea but not too-sweet tea. I love how mint or lemon or lime adds a little zest to sweet tea. I have a portable ice maker that cranks out 33 pounds of ice per day. It makes hollow, half-moon ice in three different sizes. I never want for ice for tea. I love the sight and sound and smell of tea splashing over a glassful of ice. I love the sight and touch of a big glass – glass, not plastic – of iced tea with a flexi-straw, slices of lemon and lime on the rim, and filled with lots of ice. I love to see the glass sweating on a summer day. This year I won't make any. State law banned ice because ice production is an energy vampire and ice causes global warming. Gluttonous demand for lemons, limes, mint, and tea endangers the planet. By referendum, we determined that tea, sugar, and ice are known to cause cancer.

I love to barbeque. I have a 33-year-old Weber Kettle and a Big Green Egg. The Weber makes the best steaks, hamburgers, roasts, ribs, chicken, fish, fruits, and vegetables – and corn on the cob – and baked potatoes – and foil-wrapped anything – and kabobs – and mushrooms.  Give me a skewer of barbequed red, white, and yellow onions and shrooms and I'm happy. The Big Green Egg smokes meat so well that your tongue smiles when you taste it. This year I won’t barbeque. State and local laws prohibit barbeques because of pollution. The prohibition’s okay because state laws banned barbeque seasonings, good-for-grilling fatty meats, white bread buns, over-eating, and eco-unfriendly foods. They banned charcoal briquettes, too. The all-natural, endangered-cacti-safe, eco-friendly, stinky pseudo-charcoal doesn’t work, so, the ban is moot. I used to smuggle charcoal briquettes. Prison and confiscation of my truck for a seven-dollar bag of charcoal seems a bit much. Gluttonous demand for meats, fruits, vegetables, grains, and dairy products endangers the planet. By referendum, we determined that barbeque spices, barbequed meat, barbequed vegetables, barbequed fruits, butter, salt, sour cream, chives, bacon crumbles, ice cream, whitebread, over-eating, fumes from charcoal briquettes and propane, fumes from metals and chemicals in barbeque grills, sunshine, and fresh air are known to cause cancer.

I love tomatoes. I love their sight, feel, smell, and taste. I love big and small, and, red and white and yellow and black tomatoes. I love heirloom tomatoes and their histories. I love tomato sandwiches – white bread, a dollop of white, and freshly ground salt and pepper. I love grilled tomatoes. I love barbequed tomatoes. I love stewed tomatoes. I love tomato salad. I love vinegared tomatoes. I love to grow tomatoes. I love seeding them, gently blowing on the seedlings, transplanting, watering, feeding, pruning, watching for bugs, and, especially, harvesting. I plant seeds on the Ides of March so I have fresh tomatoes on the Fourth. This year is tomato-free. Federal, state, and local ordinances regulate individual gardens. Ordinances dictate the size, shape, and content of the garden. If the garden produces fruits or vegetables – I don’t care what the Supreme Court decided, tomato is a fruit – ordinances ban most soils and chemicals. By referendum, we determined that soil, chemicals, fruits, vegetables, water, sunshine, and fresh air are known to cause cancer. Imported tomatoes are picked green by abused, undocumented laborers making less than minimum wage, then the tomatoes are pumped full of gas, painted red, and coated with salmonella or e.coli or banned chemicals and pesticides. At least imported tomatoes have no flavor so I'm not really missing anything.

I love to make ice cream. When I was a child, the Fourth was a great day because we made fresh peach ice cream from custard. We all took a turn on the crank, and, adding ice and ice cream salt to lower the temperature. It took a lot of time and effort, but it was worth it. Now, I have an electric ice cream maker. It’s not the bucket you put in the freezer; it’s a real ice cream maker with its own compressor. A couple of days before, I find ripe strawberries, slice them, and macerate different batches with white, light brown, dark brown, or demerara sugar. I make a custard that is sinful before adding flavors and fruit and freezing. I make shortcake from scratch using cream and demerara sugar. I make whipped cream from scratch. Assembly is simple: hot, fresh shortcake then ice cream then scoops of differently macerated strawberries then whipped cream. This year I won’t. The state banned the ice cream maker because it is eco-dangerous. Gluttonous demand for eggs, fruits, dairy, poultry, sugars, and grains endangers the planet, and, by referendum, we determined they are all known to cause cancer.

I love fireworks. When I was young, I made my own. I had a special blend of charcoal, sulfur, and saltpeter that worked great. Finding the right paper for firecrackers was a quest in itself. I searched for different metals to grind into powder to add to the gun powder to make different colors. I love bottle rockets. I like to place a couple of gross in the same large coffee can, light one, run, and watch my re-enactment of the Battle of Moscow. This year I won’t. Making fireworks is an act of terrorism and punishable by ten years in prison and a $100,000 fine. State and local laws banned private fireworks. Now, I love to go to outdoor fireworks displays. I love the warm summer night. I love the smells. I love the children laughing and the adults ooh-ing and ah-ing. I love the fireworks – their light and their thunder and their smells. This year I won’t attend. State and local laws banned outdoor fireworks displays because they poison the waterways and scare the endangered Ahuizhoti. By referendum, we determined that fireworks are known to cause cancer.

I love to play in the dirt (work in the yard). Traditionally, I spend part of the Fourth mowing, edging, and weed-whacking. There is something patriotic about a well manicured lawn. This year I won’t. State ordinances banned my brand new yard tools for not meeting the annually reduced carbon-emissions pollution standards and the annually reduced noise pollution standards. Before the State banned my tools, the State made them impossible to use by requiring head protection, ear protection, eye protection, nose protection, mouth protection, lung protection, finger protection, hand protection, arm protection, leg protection, chest protection, back protection, and foot protection. Signs must be worn and placed in and around any machine activity. Ordinances banned weed killers, bug killers, fertilizers, water sprinklers, trickle hoses, and standing water. By referendum, we determined that carbon emissions, noise, and grass clippings are known to cause cancer. I think grass clippings kill banana slugs, too. We can't have that. The banana slug is the state slug.

I am patriotic, and, this Fourth of July, I’ll show my patriotism like I always do.

BEMR

Republic of California

P.S. Do you think I like good in my Mao hat and Ché t-shirt?